woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
