We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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