OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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