I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
