I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
