when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
