If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
