I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
