Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
