you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
