i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
