i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
