I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
