just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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