I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
