I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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