I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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