So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
