Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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