I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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