Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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