Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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