Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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