that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
