Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
