I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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