I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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