Even the bartender felt bad for me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
