matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
