It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
