Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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