Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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