So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
