People in love make me want to vomit
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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