i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
