Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
