I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
