one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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