there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
