Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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