I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
