i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
