so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
