Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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