just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
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