My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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