You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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