Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
