jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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