A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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